Brain Tumour.

It baffles me. It baffles me that people still see death as a bad thing. Why? Why is it bad? We are born into this world, and one day it will stop. Everything will stop.

I tell people my Nan has a brain tumour. They react like they’re unaware of death and its inevitability. Expect me to burst into tears? No. I refuse to cry about something so natural. When I found out that her life was going to end in such a horrific way, yes, I was sad. I cried when I realised I would never see her again.

It’s not death that makes me cry. Death is natural. Death is a gift.

Knowing that I want to die. It has been 6 years. I do not know what has to be solved, what has to be fixed. All I know is that I’m great. Great at pretending, distracting myself from those thoughts. ‘depression is liveable’ I’ve convinced myself and told others.

All I know, we are tiny, insignificant bits of carbon, it does not matter what I say or what I do. My whole life will be long, and ‘happy’ and… long. There is nothing I can do that will last. I will live my years with anxiety and depression; with my constant pretence and distractions. I will revel in the knowledge that one day I am allowed to kiss that sweet kiss of death. The worms will eat me up, maggots will feast.